may have saved the planet but i lost three friends

dancing. not waiting. kinda... *shoots self in head*
anyway, how awesome is this?

when i stumbled upon this, i thought of you, of course. obvious alien jokes aside, this is fun dancing fodder. 

my new favourite thing. until you call.


fuck you. YLS.

a dream come true for the CIA...

mark zuckerberg as CIA overlord. 
too funny. too real.

satire as survival mechanism

more from the agony and rapture... 


my current sanity bible which provides loads more shits & giggles than christianity could ever manage. except perhaps on southpark. this is my control device. the brake. when i am no longer capable of providing my own. the faerie godmother of instant sobriety. aaaah.


another direct lift from the original. it's so unnecessary to condense or paraphrase. besides right now i can't be trusted. a sonnet or the erotic horror film script with his abandoned toothbrush might sneak in or something. there's plenty of time for that later. once i remember how to sleep.


in the meantime i have diverted my obsession onto steve-o. the author of this guide. my new demi-god. the gold-leafed shrine is coming along nicely complete with warholian photo montage. i've digitally mapped our images & the resulting off-spring are gorgeous. with thick rimmed glasses & monobrows [hi frida]. but exceptionally witty & smart of course. art meets science --> instant hipsters! we have so much in common. without even knowing i exist, i know steve-o understands me. 


it's comforting on lonely nights while my cat with worse abandonment issues than me, quietly [but not quietly enough] urinates into my favourite boots in the corner of the bedroom while i cower under the flannelette covers trying not to think about my S.O. who never eventuated into being particularly significant at all.


*rubs naked self with toothbrush*

Fantasies and daydreams

Daydreams are a huge component of any crush. It is difficult for any one-sided love affair to develop into something meaningful without generous application of one's imagination. After all, you can't fully experience loving someone without shouting out your feelings at a New Years Eve party, telling off/slugging their callous Significant Other, or running off behind the building with them to steal a secret kiss. And since attempting any of these things in real life would result in them finding out that you like them, the only rational option is to set it all up in your mind. There are so many different directions to go with your fantasies, and I do not want to stand in your way by suggesting that the ideas presented here are the only "correct" options. They are merely suggestions to get you started.

---

An easy way to hone your daydreaming skills is to simply replay the day's events in your head, perhaps with minor variations. You could improve your performance in this way, or maybe add to your Adored One's actions subtle signs of attraction to you.

When composing fantasies, you may be inclined to stay away from cliches and extremely cornball dialogue or events. If you're sure that it's not your thing, that's cool, but I do urge you to at least give it a chance. The whole point here is to be self-indulgent, so, you may as well go all-out on occasion.

Why don't you and that special someone go out together on a quasi-date? You could spend an afternoon at a museum and then have a little picnic in the park while watching an outdoor drama production, or go to a medium-nice restaurant after catching a movie, or take a hike through the woods to a waterfall. All with the pretext of being completely platonic, and all activities which you could quite legitimately share without being secretly in love with them. (I've experienced all of these with no angsty subtext.) During the course of the quasi-date, you will undoubtedly be mistaken for a dating couple at least once. You'll laugh, pretending to find this as silly as your Adored One does. As evening comes and it gets chilly, the lending of a jacket will be in order. Your quasi-date could conclude with a romantic development, or end as ambiguously as it started. Try it both ways and see which you like better.

One of the most popular and emotionally gratifying storylines for a daydream is centered on the idea of winning your Adored One over by sheer force of the power of your love. There are two major variations here: hot and cool.

• HOT - Frustrated by their perpetual failure to recognize you as their One True Thing, break down and deliver an impassioned, half-angry declaration of your love. Be sure to mention that you've tried to get over them but keep falling all over again, and also that each morning upon being awakened by your alarm you feel a wave of soul-crushing despair when you are jolted from your dreams and find them no longer in your arms. All of this works particularly well if you are standing out in the pouring rain.
• COOL - First, share a serene, sentimental experience together:
  • Watch the sunset in summer's waning weeks after sneaking into a beautiful park after closing time.
  • Take a midnight stroll through lightly falling snow to give them a chance to talk out something which has been causing them stress or pain recently.
  • Reminisce together about something you did years ago.
  After this beautiful moment, feeling a surge of quiet resolve, you inform your Adored One that you have something to say. Calmly, matter-of-factly describe the nature of your feelings for them, perhaps describing when you first recognized that they were destined to be the love of your life.

After telling them everything, how should your beloved's simulacrum respond?

• Their reaction to this confession is typically one of flattered surprise, sometimes bordering on complete bafflement. As it begins to sink in, however, you move closer, touching their arm or face, and kiss them. Obviously, they will respond favorably to this.
• Perhaps they, too, have been hiding feelings for you?
• "I knew you were interested in me, but I had no idea it was so intense..."
• If they are already in a relationship, this will lead them to reevaluate what they really mean to their S.O. and whether they might be better off with you.
• After it's clear that everything is going to work out, you might want to softly sing your favorite lovesong into their ear.

This one is set at some point in the future, at least a year -- maybe several. You long ago resigned yourself to the fact that your Adored One would never see you in the way you see them. Despite this, your feelings have not really changed. The two of you have, thankfully, developed a strong, deep friendship which has served you both very well. They have gone through many unsuccessful relationships while you've remained almost perpetually single (nobody else can really grab your interest). Eventually, though, the gatekeeper of your bliss comes to an epiphany of sorts, wipes the obstructions from their vision, and realizes not just that you are perfect for them, but that you have been in love with them all this time. (This epiphany could be gradual, over the course of a few weeks, until they decide to bring it up. It could also be relatively sudden; maybe you are having a conversation about their latest breakup... "I don't understand it... why can't I just meet somebody who won't go weird on me or treat me like dirt? Why can't I find somebody... like... you...?") After the idea settles in their head, they initiate a kiss, which naturally leads shortly afterwards to hour upon hour of slow, tender, and spiritually transcendant lovemaking. The critical factor here is that you do nothing to reveal your feelings or win them over -- it's all them.

Well, you've been pining for your Adored One for what seems like forever, and nothing has come of it. And sadly, because of work or school, you have to move away, leaving them behind. Over the next few months, though, your Adored One becomes restless, and then distraught as they realize that your departure has left a void in their life that they hadn't anticipated! You can choose between a first or third person perspective for the unfolding events... Imagine the whole scenerio from your own perspective, perhaps receiving emails from your beloved in which they describe their increasing restlessness, even before they realize how much they miss you! Or, you can watch the events of their life directly like a movie in your mind. This approach allows you to witness their epiphany, which is a plus.--Suggested by "Jessica" in Tacoma

Tragedy can be an emotional catalyst. You may like to try out a "damsel in distress"/"strong man with irresistable vulnerability" type fantasy where you place your Adored One in a bad situation and then swoop in to save them. They could be grieving over the loss of a family member or pet, for example, and in need of comfort. Maybe they were in an accident -- hit by a car right in front of your eyes! Quickly, run to them! Cradle them with tears running down your cheeks and ride along in the ambulance. (They'll be okay, don't worry.) You could go as far as to rescue them from a mugging, if that's your thing. There are many variations on the "mistreated by their S.O." theme, too, ranging from melodramatic physical or emotional abuse to a more subtle form of hurt brought about by callousness, spite, infidelity, or a plain failure to understand the heart and mind of your beloved.

Here is a series of further fantasies using on the "rescue" motif, sent by 'Hannah from Great Yarmouth', who is clearly an expert daydreamer:

If you have reached the stage of saving the Light of Your Life, and you are in need of a fantasy of a more elaborate construction, try turning the tables. In the format for the classic �rescue me� -- to be fluffed up with your own details -- you have just had a furious argument with your loved one in which you perhaps condemned them for their harsh treatment of you in your despair. They have replied in a suitably uncaring-seeming manner (disguising their deeper, untapped feelings for you). In your angst you turn and run from them, sobbing your little heart out, only to head blindly into the path of a car. As the speeding vehicle approaches your Delight is struck with terror at the thought of losing you and runs to save you, heedless of the danger they are putting themselves in. Here you can split, depending on your mood or preferred style.

In the first your Hero succeeds in reaching you, knocking you out of the path of the car and taking the brunt themselves. Here we revert to going with them in the ambulance etc, except this time when they wake up and you are the first person they see, holding their hand, never leaving their side, they break down, professing their undying love for you, and how it never hit them until that split second in which they thought they might lose you forever.

In the second, slightly more self-indulgent option (but hey, what�s a little ridiculous sentimentality for if not for fantasyland?), something happens that stops your Beloved from reaching you (perhaps -- if you are in the mood for it -- the classic Two Men With an Obscure Pane of Glass routine) in time, and the car hits you. You fly up into the air as the vehicle screeches to a halt, and land unconscious on the ground. At this moment you switch to third person and watch as the Adored One runs to your side, believing you to be dead. As they accompany you in the ambulance and hold the vigil by your bedside (holding your hand and kissing your peacefully closed eyes) you could even replay all your encounters from their point of view, seeing them from a new, loving light. When you eventually wake up and switch back to your own perspective, it is to find them holding your hand, white as a sheet and -- can that be tears in their eyes? You are confused and scared to find yourself in a hospital and full of tubes, but your Treasured one recognises your panic right away, calmly shushes you, perhaps stroking you hair soothingly, then leans forward and kisses you gently. You then fall asleep happily in their arms.

There are a hundred variations of the �rescue me� theme. Another simple favourite is to pick a �friend� that is being particularly mean at the moment (such a �friend� is, after all, dispensable). In this situation they have said something especially hurtful, and you have run away to a hiding place of your own (probably a classroom, but adjust accordingly). All that has to happen now is for the One You Desire to happen across you in your hidey hole, take you into their arms, and to hold you close against them. As you pour your troubles out to them they take one look at your puffed up, red, blotchy face, and fall helplessly in love with you.

A short but sweet one is to come home and find them sitting in the rain on your doorstep. When you approach they say nothing, just stand up, take one look at you and take your breath away with the most amazing kiss ever. No explanation. No storyline. No complaints.

Finally, there is the Old Faithful. Works in every book and film you care to name, and so is naturally suited to fantasies. Let it be midnight. Let it be raining. Let you be running away in despair, certain that you have lost them forever. Let Loved One realise their undying love for you, and come chasing after you. Whilst you are wrapped up in your raincoat, they are wearing just a thin white shirt. Let them eventually catch up with you on a bridge (an old haunt where you used to stand together and discuss your love lives, which you have visited as a last goodbye to your life of misery, and where they instinctively knew you�d be). Let them beg for your forgiveness over some cruelty. Be vigilant. Don�t give in just yet. Are you sure they are worth your love? In fact, you might even turn away from them. But not too fast, so that they have time to catch your arm and make some final impassioned attempt. Then give in. Stand there kissing in the rain. All night.

unrequited love: self-torture guide

taken directly from the agony and the rapture [thanks for the amusement factor. the situation demands it.]...

So you're an expert daydreamer, but that isn't enough for you. How can you bring thoughts of your Adored One into other aspects of your life? How else might you devote yourself to their worship, and what are some of the pitfalls that may lie before you in your chivalrous quest? Here are some suggestions for prolonging and deepening the intolerable ecstasy.

---

One of the most obvious ways to sing your Adored One's praises is through narrative and poetry. If you haven't already written page upon page expounding their perfection, you had better get started. How in love could you really be if you haven't been driven to the use of clichéd metaphors?

When separated by distance, writing letters is a much more intimate way of staying in touch than sending email. Even when the distance is not so great, daily email banter can be a profitable venture. The advantage of writing over speech, of course, is that you can spend very long periods of time considering each and every word. If it takes you less than about half an hour and three rewrites per paragraph, you are not being careful enough. Try to embed intricate, obscure double entendres which can be seen either as confessions of love or merely as clever wordplay. Remember not to flirt too much, though, lest you accidentally raise their suspiscions. In times that relations are tense between the two of you, you may want to have your emails approved by a close friend before sending to the Adored One, just to make sure you've said nothing too overbearing or creepy. And, of course, when you reach the end of a letter do not neglect to agonize over the closing... "sincerely"? "Love"? "See ya 'round"?
--Some added material inspired by "Jessica" in Tacoma

As part of Communication Rule #1 ("they are incapable of saying anything that is not important"), you can amass quite a body of knowledge about your Adored One's likes and dislikes. This provides you with an unprecedented ability to come up with the worlds's most thoughtful gift ideas. Even if you never have an opportunity to give these gifts, you can at least feel good about knowing your Adored One so well. Coming up with gift ideas also feeds back directly into your fantasies, especially around holidays and birthdays.

Honesty is paramount to any successful relationship, platonic or romantic. How honest have you been?

• Because the master of your heart is a nearly perfect being, it would be a crime against Love itself to tell them an untruth.
• Despite this, it may at times be necessary to make the sacrifice and commit this sin rather than reveal your feelings and cause them discomfort.
• Think back upon the history of your relationship and keep track of any instances in which you misled the Adored One. Do you have a justifiable excuse?
• In order to avoid lying when asked a potentially embarassing question, feel free to be evasive. You may also want to try dropping impossibly subtle hints about your undying love. This way you can feel like you were being honest without having to face any of the consequences.

You may have known from the moment you laid eyes upon them that your Adored One was special, but it's quite possible that it took some time for you to know the full extent of their glory. Such an important event as your very first encounter should be permanently etched into your memory, but some details may have faded because you were not fully aware at that time of the seriousness of the situation. Try to recreate the meeting in your mind as precisely as possible.

• What was your Adored One wearing on the blessed occasion of your first encounter? Chances are, parts of their dress from that day will show up again, so if you are having trouble, examine their current wardrobe carefully. Was it this pair of sandels, or the other one? Hmm...
• What was said, and by whom? Did the Adored One react favorably to your presense? Consider the details of your motions: Who walked into the room? How did you pass one another? Was there any important body language?
• Don't feel boxed in; you can play this game with other momentous events in your history, too!

Spending time in public with your Adored One is a great way to bond. Quasi-dates like a day at the zoo, a trip to the shopping mall, or a matinee of a Disney cartoon all provide you with the opportunity to feel like there is more to your relationship than there really is. If you're especially lucky, the two of you might be mistaken for a couple by strangers. The Adored One will find this amusing and slightly puzzling, but perhaps if it happens enough they will realize it means you were meant for each other, right? Right?

Sometimes in the course of your regular conversations or interactions, you'll have the opportunity to stand or sit rather close to your beloved. You may even be leaning in towards each other for some purpose such as simultaneously examining a paper. In these instances, do not fail to notice the almost electric aura that radiates from their body. The effect of contacting this aura is usually increased anxiety or excitement. In my experience, it is usually not really noticable until the two of you are within 20 cm or so (around 7 or 8 inches). Although purely psychological, this 'energy' seems almost tangible.

If you manage to work your way into a caring-and-supportive-friend role with that being who is the source of all joy, one of the most significant ways you can help them is to listen as they describe the problems in their lovelife. This is a time-honored method of self-torture, and it is important that you dwell on these conversations at length to be sure you have fully interpreted every last nuance. If you are up to the challenge, this is probably the most excruciating and rewarding sort of interaction the two of you can have. There are a few warnings you should consider before embarking on this path:

1. Listening to lovelife woes is not for the inexperienced. This is a highly dangerous passtime. Do not attempt it unless you are confident that your pain tolerance is maxed out. Are you ready to give advice to your Adored One on how they can better satisfy their partner sexually?
2. There will probably be times that your Adored One says something like, "I just wish I could find someone who would treat me well, like you do." Watch out! Despite appearances, this is usually not an invitation for you to tackle them in a loving embrace and begin kissing them.
3. As a general rule, the people whom your Adored One deems worthy of their affection will be cretinous, uncouth, self-centered black holes of humanity. They may, however, be extremely attractive. Because these base individuals are completely lacking in common decency they will cause great distress to your Adored One; you must be prepared to bite your tongue when your angel makes excuses for this demon and crawls back to them time and time again.

By lying awake in bed thinking of your Adored One for an hour or so before settling into an exhausted, fitful slumber, you raise the chances of having them appear in your dreams.

Music can be very expressive and cathartic. Compile mix tapes (or file playlists, these days). In the case of tapes that are to be given to your Adored One, make sure only one or two of the songs are blatant "I love you" tunes, unless you plan to reveal your feelings to them. Try making tapes for yourself as well; you may want to make a few with different themes, such as "music to wallow to", "love songs that make me think of them", "hopeful and inspirational lyrics", and "mind-numbing loneliness".