Tuesday, April 5, 2011

reality check

i nearly died two weeks ago. in body. my spirit had already been broken, the last shreds of self-belief & sense of self-worth shredded from what was essentially an emotionally abusive relationship. with myself & the person who i mistakenly thought was my love.

i went away like a wounded animal to die with a trail of burned bridges in my wake. after being the subject of an extensive police hunt i was scheduled against my will into a mental institution for a few days until it was deemed i was no longer a danger to myself. i thought i would never get out. but surprisingly did.

until 48 hours ago i didn't really think i should have been released because i was so disturbed with a mind in utter turmoil. i still wanted to die & was planning to after this weekend just past [i'd just meet a couple of project deadlines first]. this time i would do it properly so i'd never go back to that place again. my secret mantra.

suicide addicts are selfish pricks. but we don't think so at the time. my motivation was fueled on a twisted perspective of poetic nobility, sacrifice and selflessness. a reluctant resignation that the magnum opus might never exist & that i was cursed with the opposite of the midas touch. me = poison ivy. i was living my own self-directed death ballad.

my friend steve points out: no corpse looks that beautiful after a few days hanging around the bush flyblown, bird pecked & trawled by ants. perfectly applied make-up wasted. someone i know who jumped the gap a couple of years back wasn't found for three months. romantic vision begone.

and then something strange happened. some of my not permanently alienated friends & family came together from near and far & inadvertantly saved me over the last couple of weeks. they meant to but i was sure it was a hopeless cause. 

initially i was just going through the motions & as much as i tried to fill it, the emptiness was all pervasive. i feel cheap that my weird epiphany came so fast & culminated over such a short period into one epic unexpected conclusion last night. for the first time, i saw myself & then him in a clear light. what they say is true: he really wasn't worth it. love is blind.

all the long lost pieces came suddenly back together & i was no longer humpty dumpty. they just fell into place & incredibly i walked away like a miracle survivor from a mega budget hollywood burning wreck with unbridled pyrotechnics, unbroken & scratchfree.

the damaged bridges still require repairs but my sleeves are rolled up for the blood, sweat & tears which lays ahead revealing the only visible scars which are on my wrists not heart. a constant reminder of the frailty that love can bring in a world of misdirection. we are so fallible. 

the future is uncertain, as change is welcomed in all its fluid luxuriousness.

still there is no replacement for love, truth & beauty. humanity might be flawed and i am as good a crazy poster girl as any, but we must own our flaws. channel & embrace them. that is art. story. perfection.